I don't know what's happening to me, oh god, please don't let it be my period.
I hate these mood swings.
I fucking hate them, but this time, im not on my period.
I'm just moody, why? I have no idea, u tell me.
Everything goes splende and then within an instant moment everything changes, every emotion loses control.
I want to cry, but then again I refuse to
I want to hold back these tears.
Maybe i'll cry in the shower but right now, i just won't let them shed.
I don't care if nobody's around, I refuse to cry infront of myself.
I have to get stronger.
Stronger than I am now, I have to be ready for anything that comes my way.
I'm puching myself, I'm trying to give it my full 120%

but why don't i feel good enough?

I can't tell if i'm talking about tae kwon do or my emotions anymore.
They both work the same.
When one's outta balance the other get's screwed up also.

Oh God, my skin's getting cold,

 my hands are shaking as I type this,

 and my eyes can't hold back,

but I'm still deeply holding back my tears, I don't want to shed them, I want to become stronger, the only way to get stronger is to just shrug it off and keep working. But now.... Y did a guy that I like have to go to tae kwon do? Don't get me wrong there are days that I love it and then there are other days, when I see him talking and chatting with my friend over and over again. He used to talk to me so much, always being partners always calling, now..... We're not partners as much, there aren't anymore calls/ text messages. It's just me holding my phone waiting for one of them to happen. I try to call and text him, but his excuse, " I'm not around my phone alot". Kevin, i wish you  were like tae kwon do to me. My escape from this world of pain and hate, where guys just go out with girls and leave them like nothing. Where love is no longer love, but an over used pharse. And where tears, are as common as breathing. Every girl in this generation has been screwed over because of the stupid media. But Kevin if you can prove me wrong, then PROVE IT already. show me that your not like every other guy that does the same thing to me. I heard you might ask me something. But I'm not going to type it or say it, because everytime I say it, never happens. Just like a wish. If you tell somebody your wish it won't come true.

I'm working so hard, so so hard. I'm striving, to become something better than how I think of myself. But I don't admire myself as much as other people do. I'm just this short girl who can do a lot of stuff, it means nothing to me. But for now I think i'll just leave all my worries to God....and to xanga.

 "You got it, you got it, Some kind of magic, Hypnotic, hypnotic, You're leaving me breathless, I hate this, I hate this"

These words are from the song "I caught myself" by Paramore, but the thing is that verse right that hit me so hard.
I haven't had a single thought about the guy that crushed me after 2 wasteful years of falling in love with him, until I heard this song. Why? I don't know, I felt like I cometely moved on, and I did. I was happy when I moved on, even though it's hard and killed me.... i did. But now I'm in a different school, a different  area, and different people, so why....Why are u making me have these thoughts ><

"You've got it, you've got it, some kind of magic"
- You always had something to you, and I have no idea what it was, maybe that look in your eyes... but you had something that made me think you were different from everybody in the room.

"Hypnotic, Hypnotic"
-You got me hooked, still i have no idea by what, because nobody else liked you because......you were you and i loved that, and the way you had me hooked was like a drug. I couldn't stop.

"Your leaving me breathless"
-When my eyes and yours meet, i couldn't turn away, they were linked i could see every rush of emotion at once and that rush was so hard that i couldn't breathe. i really couldn't breathe when I looked at you, and I still can't....

"I hate this, I hate this'
- You treated me like I was your doormat, you didn't care, you never cared, even though I gave my everything to you, even though I prayed for you and your family, you still couldn't just care about what I had to say. thanx. for giving me the biggest regret of my life.

I miss you
I miss the feelings I had for you
I miss the way we talked
I miss that dance we had
I miss your stupid clothing that you wore practically every day
But I don't miss you treating me like shit.

And sometimes I wounder if you ever thought " I wounder what happened to her?" "Does she have a boyfriend?"
But you probably completely forgot about me..... oh how I wish I never met you.